Out with the old and in with the new
It's December 30th, well technically it's December 31st so I guess this thought process I'm stuck in is relevant as it is officially the last day of 2005. Today, or rather yesterday has been epipheral, because it has marked the ending of so many things and the beginning of others.
While running errands and answering a gazillion phone calls about a New Year's eve event I'm involved with, I had the unfortunate experience of hearing through that proverbial grapevine some negative things said about me amongst colleagues. Since venturing on my own in business a while back I've been learning that negativity follows closely behind progression, but that still doesn't make it any easier to hear or burden. So as I've been learning to toughen up my sensitive Libra skin, I've been dealing with several situations where there were negative things said about me that were completely untrue. You have to understand that it has been my natural inclination for the past thirty one years to fly under the radar to avoid the spotlight. Never one to enjoy confrontation or negativity, I've often stifled my true aspirations for fear of drawing too much attention, and we all know attention equals positive and negative feedback. I think I would've continued flying at a mediocre altitude had I not been forced this year especially to shake things up. So I'm shaking things up carefully trying not to kick up too much dust and yet the dust finds a way to come to me.
So as I'm driving home with my stomach in knots mulling over how to handle the latest situation I get to my front door and there is a box waiting for me. I look down and realize it's my baby. The first actual live copies of my debut novel are waiting patiently for me at my front door. Still plagued with the idea that no matter how much I try, everyone is not going to like me, I put the books in the house but don't open the box. Things have been happening so fast and I am not one who welcomes change.
I decide to contact my old boss and confront the situation. Letting her know that I respect her and hope she doesn't buy into the negative comments being tossed back and forth about why I chose to strike out on my own. After deciding what to say I sit back and look at the box. In one year I've gone from a subservient employee to an entrepreneur and published author. Now to some that sounds like a great year, to me it sounds frightening. My familiar altitude has been stripped away and I'm out there flying higher than I feel comfortable, I feel like a baby bird that's been kicked out of its nest.
A lady I used to work for once used that analogy when encouraging me to go on my own. I can still see her gesturing with her foot like she was kicking the baby bird out of its nest, "Fly, go on now fly." That's a conversation that stuck with me over the last six years. Six years ago I pushed the instruction to the back of my head and sought the safety of yet another corporate job. I found one and settled into my comfortable clock of mediocrity.....now the cloak is gone and I'm wide-eyed vulnerable and scared to death but backed up against the wall, one has no choice. Since then the next corporate job just wouldn't come, I found a job working for a company I loved, then was laid off.....did everything short of going to McDees to find a job, but nothing worked. "Fly, go on now Fly."
You see having a conversation with my previous employee is like shutting the door on that chapter...a chapter I wasn't really ready to shut. In the back of my mind, I wanted to leave the door open thinking perhaps I could go back one day. I've been that way with all my previous jobs nursing relationships with my supervisors and co-workers in an effort to rather be safe than sorry. Hearing the thud of that door close then lock is so final, but I get up the guts and make the call. I don't reach her so I leave a New Year's Eve message thanking her and wishing her well. Later she responds and I realize the door has closed, there is no going back. I'm saddened but I know this was inevitable, I'm being forced to grow. I read over her words with a phrase standing out and I know this was meant for me in more ways than one, "I am governed far less by other people's opinions than I am by my own
conscience," she replied. I nod, her words resonating within me, translated they encourage me "Fly, go on now Fly."
Speaking of growth, I finally get up the nerve to open the box and the feeling is surreal. I pick up a copy of the book and dust off the cover, it's mine. My name is emblazoned across the front and I flip through the pages immediately recognizing the all too familiar dialogue. It's mine. I smile at my husband and he returns my smile, I call my mother, my brother, my best friend and my old writing partner. They are all happy for me, but I realize this moment is for me. It's so symbolic its almost insulting. One door has closed, another is beckoning for me to walk through. "Fly, go on now, fly."
It reminds me of when I was in middle school and my body was developing faster than my brain, it's an awkward place, but you can almost taste the promise...seeds splitting, then bursting through a barrier to become a flower. I decide that regardless of what is around me I will remain true to myself. Admist the negativity I have to remain positive or else I am just guilty as those perpetuating negativity. Plus my inner soul reminds me I have been blessed with the intuition to know that negative words come from a painful place and usually have more to do with the lips they are uttered from than the target. Still I ask God to send me a tougher layer of skin as I prepare to face 2006.
I try to conjure up every relationship I am presently involved in socially and or business related and I vow to suffocate those that aren't positive and nurture those that are. I promise myself to make a conscious effort to stand closer to the morals and attitudes I am constantly telling others about, and then I forgive myself for all the times I've fallen short of those standards, over the last year and the years prior.
Most importantly I promise to cherish those things that I have taken for granted such as my husband, my beautiful children, my relationship with my mother and brother. Then I open my heart and mind to the possibilities, challenges and growth waiting for me in 2006.
While running errands and answering a gazillion phone calls about a New Year's eve event I'm involved with, I had the unfortunate experience of hearing through that proverbial grapevine some negative things said about me amongst colleagues. Since venturing on my own in business a while back I've been learning that negativity follows closely behind progression, but that still doesn't make it any easier to hear or burden. So as I've been learning to toughen up my sensitive Libra skin, I've been dealing with several situations where there were negative things said about me that were completely untrue. You have to understand that it has been my natural inclination for the past thirty one years to fly under the radar to avoid the spotlight. Never one to enjoy confrontation or negativity, I've often stifled my true aspirations for fear of drawing too much attention, and we all know attention equals positive and negative feedback. I think I would've continued flying at a mediocre altitude had I not been forced this year especially to shake things up. So I'm shaking things up carefully trying not to kick up too much dust and yet the dust finds a way to come to me.
So as I'm driving home with my stomach in knots mulling over how to handle the latest situation I get to my front door and there is a box waiting for me. I look down and realize it's my baby. The first actual live copies of my debut novel are waiting patiently for me at my front door. Still plagued with the idea that no matter how much I try, everyone is not going to like me, I put the books in the house but don't open the box. Things have been happening so fast and I am not one who welcomes change.
I decide to contact my old boss and confront the situation. Letting her know that I respect her and hope she doesn't buy into the negative comments being tossed back and forth about why I chose to strike out on my own. After deciding what to say I sit back and look at the box. In one year I've gone from a subservient employee to an entrepreneur and published author. Now to some that sounds like a great year, to me it sounds frightening. My familiar altitude has been stripped away and I'm out there flying higher than I feel comfortable, I feel like a baby bird that's been kicked out of its nest.
A lady I used to work for once used that analogy when encouraging me to go on my own. I can still see her gesturing with her foot like she was kicking the baby bird out of its nest, "Fly, go on now fly." That's a conversation that stuck with me over the last six years. Six years ago I pushed the instruction to the back of my head and sought the safety of yet another corporate job. I found one and settled into my comfortable clock of mediocrity.....now the cloak is gone and I'm wide-eyed vulnerable and scared to death but backed up against the wall, one has no choice. Since then the next corporate job just wouldn't come, I found a job working for a company I loved, then was laid off.....did everything short of going to McDees to find a job, but nothing worked. "Fly, go on now Fly."
You see having a conversation with my previous employee is like shutting the door on that chapter...a chapter I wasn't really ready to shut. In the back of my mind, I wanted to leave the door open thinking perhaps I could go back one day. I've been that way with all my previous jobs nursing relationships with my supervisors and co-workers in an effort to rather be safe than sorry. Hearing the thud of that door close then lock is so final, but I get up the guts and make the call. I don't reach her so I leave a New Year's Eve message thanking her and wishing her well. Later she responds and I realize the door has closed, there is no going back. I'm saddened but I know this was inevitable, I'm being forced to grow. I read over her words with a phrase standing out and I know this was meant for me in more ways than one, "I am governed far less by other people's opinions than I am by my own
conscience," she replied. I nod, her words resonating within me, translated they encourage me "Fly, go on now Fly."
Speaking of growth, I finally get up the nerve to open the box and the feeling is surreal. I pick up a copy of the book and dust off the cover, it's mine. My name is emblazoned across the front and I flip through the pages immediately recognizing the all too familiar dialogue. It's mine. I smile at my husband and he returns my smile, I call my mother, my brother, my best friend and my old writing partner. They are all happy for me, but I realize this moment is for me. It's so symbolic its almost insulting. One door has closed, another is beckoning for me to walk through. "Fly, go on now, fly."
It reminds me of when I was in middle school and my body was developing faster than my brain, it's an awkward place, but you can almost taste the promise...seeds splitting, then bursting through a barrier to become a flower. I decide that regardless of what is around me I will remain true to myself. Admist the negativity I have to remain positive or else I am just guilty as those perpetuating negativity. Plus my inner soul reminds me I have been blessed with the intuition to know that negative words come from a painful place and usually have more to do with the lips they are uttered from than the target. Still I ask God to send me a tougher layer of skin as I prepare to face 2006.
I try to conjure up every relationship I am presently involved in socially and or business related and I vow to suffocate those that aren't positive and nurture those that are. I promise myself to make a conscious effort to stand closer to the morals and attitudes I am constantly telling others about, and then I forgive myself for all the times I've fallen short of those standards, over the last year and the years prior.
Most importantly I promise to cherish those things that I have taken for granted such as my husband, my beautiful children, my relationship with my mother and brother. Then I open my heart and mind to the possibilities, challenges and growth waiting for me in 2006.
posted by Christal Jordan-Mims | 9:23 PM
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